Do you ever feel like superwoman or a super parent one minute and like you are hanging on by a thread minutes later. This will sound cliche but first things first.
Breathe. You are not alone.
I’m not here to tell you parenting is easy. In fact, motherhood or parenthood is one of the messiest, wildest, craziest things that I have ever experienced. It’s also the most breathtakingly beautiful, joyful and incredible experience. Yes, you will feel guilty and lost, victorious and proud. Sometimes you will ride the up and down roller coaster of emotions. Other days you will smile and cry. That’s ok. I’m here to remind you that you aren’t crazy and what we all forget that is we carry an invisible load of work that others forget about or don’t always see so let’s talk about these overloaded suitcases that are on our shoulders.
The parenting challenges that we don’t talk about enough.
The hamster wheel of mental fatigue.
It’s Sunday night, your brain is running a hundred miles an hour. You realize that you need to schedule doctor’s appointments for the kids, sign up for summer activities, the calendar for the week is busier than usual but you realize you forgot to get some key items at the grocery store and at the same time you are exhausted and you haven’t finished the laundry that you need for tomorrow. The reality is that there are probably dozens of other thoughts going through your head right now that make all these items seem even more overwhelming! Signing up for activities sounds simple but reality is that you are trying to coordinate schedules with their friends, your planned vacation days as well as staying within your budget and aligning all of those activities so they don’t overlap and somehow you are expected to balance work while running across town during rush hour traffic to pick up your child after practice. It’s hard and overwhelming to think about and many times one partner or a single parent carries all of this burden to schedule and coordinate. Whether you are a parent in the workforce, full time, part time or staying at home doing all of this, it’s downright hard. Your brain is constantly juggling all the ins and outs of a week and just crossing your fingers you don’t forget anything.
Decision Fatigue
Personally, this is the one that takes one of the biggest tolls on me. You get a call from your friend, spouse or someone in your life and they say, let’s grab dinner this week. It’s Tuesday, so at this point it sounds doable but by Saturday morning when you think about going out that evening to meet up you want to crawl back into bed. You get the text that says, where do you want to meet? At the same time your kids are asking to go to the park, Target for some goodies as well as ten other places. We all want to be the fun parent, the awesome friend and everything else in between, but at this point you can’t make a decision as you are worn out, tired, and don’t want to do anything but watch a show or scroll on your phone for a few hours and take a break.
Invisible Appreciation
Parents or children alike, we all desire to be seen and heard and to feel good about what we are doing. Your kid runs up with their latest art project and wants to show you what they did. Your spouse wants you to let them know how good the freshly mowed lawn looks or that the garage has been organized. Whatever it is, our natural human emotions are to seek validation. Parenting though is not always like that. Our kids don’t necessarily say great job making dinner. Instead, it’s why are we having chicken and broccoli again, I want burgers. Or why can’t I go play at my friend’s house when you just brought them home from a trip to Target for art supplies and they tell you that you never let them do what they want to do. You feel invisible, unappreciated and like nothing you do is good enough!!
The Solution – Invisible to Appreciated
If you’ve made it this far, you probably feel tired, exhausted and ready for a nap. It probably rings truer than you wish but honestly between the hamster wheel of life, the invisible load of work at home alone does not even include your never-ending list at your job. So, let’s talk about small things that can make this load easier. Remember not everything is a quick fix!
Dump your thoughts and to do’s
Ok, well maybe not entirely though that sounds glorious. I’d love to say that every parent has unlimited resources to dump their to do list on someone else to take care of! The important thing though is that you can make it more bite size and palatable to take care of.
- Write it down. Keep a notepad on your nightstand, in your purse, or in your phone. When you think of a to do, write it down. Yes, this sounds time consuming but by writing it down you can organize it into sections that are easier to take care of.
- Outsource it! Some of you just cringed right now and want to yell at me that you don’t have that kind of money or resources. That’s ok, breathe. If you have the money to outsource it to a house manager or personal assistant that’s great, go for it. Reality is most do not and that’s ok. You can ask for help though, whether it be a partner or a friend or your kids. If you have a spouse, ask them to make the Doctor’s appointments. Give them specific instructions if needed but let them help. Your twelve-year-old can pick three meals for the week, look at the recipes and check the cupboards to create a list. Your friend “Blue” or a real-life friend can give you twenty minutes at the park to take your calendar and start to map out your schedule that you need to book activities for. It’s not easy and sometimes the mental hurdle of just starting is the hardest but do one little step and then one more.
- Realize that sometimes it won’t all get done. That’s ok, you were meant for progress not perfection. Life is hard but yes there are hacks for sometimes making things a little easier and that’s part of what I want to help you with! Be it mental fatigue and constant to do’s or trying to integrate work and parenting. It’s ok to ask for help and utilize tools to help us through! Pull yourself off the hamster wheel for a second and let yourself breathe.
Decisions
Back to your spouse or friend who wants to decide where to go to dinner or your kids want to go ten different places after school with their friends. The good old decision fatigue. Ok, first, it’s ok to defer to someone else. If you have date night planned, and your spouse asks you where you want to go. It’s ok to say, I’m mentally really drained from making decisions right now, I’m ok with you choosing. Or I’d still love to do date night, but do you mind if we order in and just relax here? The key here is communication. Build a habit of communicating to others around you. Communicate to your kids that you love that they want to go to Target, have a play date and a get ice cream, but you only have time for one. You may need to make a decision on which one depending on their age but communicating why will help. Yes, it’s more than likely you will hear the whining of why they can’t do more and my friends get to do whatever they want. Just remember, your kids don’t know how to regulate their emotions and feelings yet. In fact, many adults don’t, so communicating to them that you are tired and only have time to go to Target is ok. You might try, “I love that you are excited to do so many things but we have soccer practice tonight, so we only have time to stop at Target on the way there and won’t be able to fit in ice cream and a play date.” Will it always work, nope. But then again, try as I might, there is always that one colleague that no matter how many times you tell them they don’t get it and you are constantly using the “per my previous email” mentality. Don’t let their decisions or your spouse’s decisions take energy away from you. I highly recommend the book “Let Them” by Mel Robbins to expand on this topic some more. Maybe a topic for another post someday.
Gratitude as a team
Gratitude. Ok, you may roll your eyes or nod your head in confirmation, but gratitude is powerful. Gratitude and fear can’t exist at the same time in your mind. Start small and feel the momentum build up over time. If your kids want to go to Target, the park, ice cream, a friend’s house, your spouse wants a date night, you to help them organize the basement and have dinner on the table when you both get home then it all feels overwhelming. Start dinner or a car ride with let’s all say one think we are thankful for before we choose what to do or before we start to eat. It may seem small, but that little mental shift can make your thoughts less overwhelming and builds a habit of being grateful first. If that means a few less whines from the kids Saturday morning, then it might be worth it! It also shapes our minds though! Remember how we said that as parents or Mom’s we feel invisible. When we start to talk about being grateful around each other. We can hear about what others are grateful for and we may start to not feel invisible. It also opens up a conversation so we can say, I’m grateful for when you all jumped in the car today without complaining and helped pick up the kitchen! It reinforces their behavior and encourages them to do it again which even though it may be small is one small act of gratitude to lessen your mental load and let you know what you are doing isn’t invisible.
Remember, you aren’t actually invisible. You might not be seen when you need it most, but you aren’t alone. We all have these feelings and emotions and while the world around you might show you the rosy colored social media carousels of the perfect home and family. Reality and life are messy and that’s ok. We as Mom’s and parents though can impact this more than anyone else let’s on. You may not feel it but let me let you in on a little secret. To these little one’s you are superhero at times as hard as that job may be!
Leave us your thoughts in the comments!