Crayons & Careers

Making friends when life feels completely different.

Whether you are a new Mom or you have been a mom for years, one of the hardest things that we all struggle to make time for outside of work and our own families is community.

Why making friends feels different after kids.

As a kid, you went to school and had activities with many of your peers and those peers became friends because you saw them almost every day. You saw them on a regular basis and then met up with them for playdates or sports games on the road, ice cream after concerts, were college roommates or whatever else it is because they were in close proximity to you. Then came your first job after college or high school and maybe you became friends with some co-workers, and you went to happy hour after work or had work dinners and by default you spent time with them and developed friendships or at the very least some acquaintances. You may have gotten married or are in a relationship and then your friends are your partners, friends at times or people again from work and college.

Life eventually though begins to shift and while some of your friends may be moving in, married or having kids. It’s not always at the same time as you. Life all the sudden shifts drastically, now all of the sudden your child has become your world, and all of your spare time feels non-existent! This is hard, as you’ve probably noticed, I talk a lot about change and transition here. Why? Because it’s hard for the brain to comprehend, we tend to veer away from change, and it takes time to adjust to it even when they are positive changes! Take heart knowing, that you are not alone in feeling this way. Our modern society has encouraged patterns in building friendships and community for many years and now all of the sudden you have a child, and you are thrust into a new pattern. Your co-workers and friends are not necessarily interested in how you are struggling to get a full night’s sleep or don’t want to meet on Friday after work because you want to go home and read books with your baby and go to bed at nine!

The first thing I will tell you is that this is all normal and as you become an adult, the way you develop friendships changes and how those friendships are cultivated changes and that’s ok. You can build community and be a parent and be working a job. Does it always feel easy? No, absolutely not! We don’t have the same proximity maybe as we did before, but this is where sometimes we must take ourselves outside our comfort zone. As your kids get older you will start to connect with their friends’ parents and start to build relationships with them. This all takes time but please know that there are some simple things you can do to help build community as parenthood takes root and you are still trying to balance your work responsibilities.

Start small and keep building

As with anything, it’s the small simple habits that we do daily and weekly that have the most impact on our lives. The same is true with building community. Here a few ways to stay connected as a parent while navigating your new role.

• Send a text or a voice note to a friend you have today. Most people are just waiting for someone else to reach out and whether they respond or not, let them know something that made you think of them and you hope they are doing well. Even asking if they are working on anything new right now can break the ice and start a five-minute conversation that creates a connection.
• Sign up for a local library’s story time to take your little one too. It doesn’t matter if they are newborn or not. There will be other Mom’s and Dad’s there and even if you just sit in the same room as them for twenty minutes, you will connect with people who are going through some of the same things you are.
• Don’t hesitate to say hi to the other parents at the park or at story time. Many times, we are all caught up in the stress of the day or are fearful of saying the wrong thing. Try not to let fear stop you, even just a smile and saying hi is a great start. One of my most meaningful friendships started during a walk around the neighborhood where one of us said hello and after a few weeks of brief interactions resulted in a dinner and then play dates and almost a decade of friendship now.
• Sign up for a repeating activity. Repetition is key, maybe it’s weekly story time, swimming lesson, or a music class. There are lots of options for different age groups. This helps create a deeper connection and opportunities to interact on a regular basis.
• Attend a local or church parenting group if this is something you enjoy. Many offer coffee meet ups, bible studies or small groups.
• Use social media groups to find a local community group. Many groups post meetups for the library, parks, local activity centers at a discounted rate etc. Put a post out on social media on your page and you may find someone else is looking for a way to connect as well!

Keeping showing up

Know that life feels different now and that’s ok. Making connections takes time and that’s ok. It’s also important to remember that as life changes you are not alone, and it will feel different. Relationships as adults are also not going to work the same way as they did when you were a kid. Some days you will be juggling a presentation for work and your kid is home sick from school and that call you promised to return to your friend won’t happen. Understand, that quality over quantity is key here. There will be months sometimes where I won’t chat with some good friends and then we will meet up at the park and spend three hours and pick up where we left off. Yes, it’s different but also remember that friends with children will also be experiencing many of these same things. They have kids clamoring for attention when you finally get to call your friend to catch up and are balancing their work, family, and friendships as well. Start small and just keep showing up. You’ve got this.